Alone And Cold.... But I Like It

On cold days like this, I like to wrap myself in about three thick, insulated comforters. I lay on my couch with my freshly brewed hot cocoa, sipping it slowly as The warmth spreads through out my body. I watch my favorite show, American Horror Story, no matter if the episode is new or old. On some day, I sit on my couch for hours rewatching a season. Sometimes I will just sit there with my headphones pushed in to my ears and listen to something soft or slow by my favorite bands, such as The a Calm by Of Mice & Men, Lullabies by All Time Low, or Beside You by Mariana's Trench. It helps me relax my body and forget the cold air and snow falling from the the world above me and, for once, my mind is at ease.

Weekend Catastrophe

One unusual thing I did this weekend was dye my hair way too blonde. I have dyed my hair blonde before, but it has never been as bright and radiant as it is now. I was actually kind of scared when I washed the hair dye out because it looked a little orange, but it was only because it was wet. When I blow dried it to make sure it turned out alright, I found out that it was way more blonde than I had intended. Some strands of my hair even looked white. Thankfully, now that I have let it set in for a few days, it is not as light as it was the day I dyed it. I am still not very fond of my hair, but it is better than it was almost a week ago.

Social Anxiety

If I could change one thing in the world, it would have to be how people view me without understanding my background. They often get the wrong impression of me because I have Social Anxiety. It often changed my mood around people I do not know well or have never met and I tend to get really quiet, mad, or very annoying. I can get annoying because I am really nervous and I end up rambling about my life or just being flat out wired. I do not do it intentionally, though. My social anxiety masks who i really am, and because first impressions count, I tend to make the wrong ones. For the people that stick around, however, we can become really great friends once I get to know the person. I am really not that bad of a person, but most people do not give me a second chance. Because of this, I have been bullied for years, which is slowly making my disorder worse and worse.

Pocket-People

A gadget I would invent that might enrich the future is "Pocket-People". This is a little mechanical person that can fit in a pocket and when someone needs advice, support, homework help, or anything else, they are there to help. There would be a website where a person can design this gadget, giving them a name, hair style, outfit, and even some tattoos and a voice. This could benefit people because they would always have a way to get help or support. People would always have someone to comfort them and even hug their finger or sing them a song.
:)

My Music

One characteristic I absolutely love about my self is, by far, my taste in music. My music means so much to me and it helps define who I really am. My music can tell you more about me than I could say in my own words. It shows how I really feel on the inside and can even show some sides of me people my not know about. Here are some examples:

"I would kill just to feel less invisible!" (Pierce The Veil "The First Punch")
I do not like to have a lot of attention on me, but I like it when people realize what I have done or accomplished. My talents are not recognized often, and I would really like them to be. This quote shows that I feel like I am invisible sometimes and I would appreciate if I was not, even for a day.

"And now I sing for everything that I've lost. And now I scream for everything that I've loved. Everything!" (Of Mice & Men "The Storm")
I do not sing (Simply becuase I am really bad at it), but I have lost a lot in my life. The quote "And now I scream for everything that I've loved" shows that I am more than willing to really put my feelings out there for what I love and that I would not be ashamed of it.

"If you were me, you'd do the same, 'cause I can't take anymore. I'll draw the shades and close the door. Everything's not alright and I would rather..." (Pierce The Veil "Hold On Til May")
I used to have a lot of depression problems, and this really shows how I was feeling at that time. The shades and the door, to me, represent my emotions and feelings and how I would always close them out. The unfinished sentence shows that I was not sure of what I would rather do. At the time, I thought death would be my only solution, but once I got a hold of myself, I was not sure of what I could do to open up.

My music can show a lot of things that I do not put out to the world. So maybe one day, someone will listen to my favorite songs and realize what I have been through and where I am now.

If Money Was No Object...

If money was no object and I did no have to worry about the value of  accomplishing something, I would want to make one of the most expensive movies that can possibly be made. I would do this because I have a very creative mind and so there is a lot that I want to put into making a movie, but it would cost a whole lot of money to do. I would have to buy thousands of dollars in makeup, prosthetics, clothes, furniture, good cameras, a good editing software, a good effects software, and many other things and it would cost possibly almost a million dollars to do. I love to make movie rather I write them or not, and I want to make them perfect, but in order to do that, I need the perfect things, which is why it would cost a lot quod money. So if money was not an object, I would pursue in making a perfect movie. E

Escaping

My favorite hobby would have to be drawing. I can draw a lot of different things, but my all time favorite is anime/manga. I have been drawing anime and manga for about six years now and I continue to do so almost daily. There are plenty of reasons why I love to create such things, but my main reason is because I feel like it lets me create characters that reflect the side of me I do not like to show. I also like to draw the characters I create in the books I write. It gives me a chance to make a person the way I want them to be, and I find that amazing.
Aside from the emotional and fictional reasons, I think it is just fun. Anime and manga are so different than drawing portraits and photos and takes a completely different skill-set. I am glad I began drawing like I do and I hope to carry it with me forever. However, drawing is not what I hope to get a career in, but it is definitely something that can help me along the way.

Rest Easy

On February 11, 2009, I lost a good friend. He was there to protect me, comfort me and make me feel happy even at my saddest times. This friend was not human however. He was a there year young Rottweiler named Kaiden LeRoy. In January of 2009, me and my step-dad knew something was wrong with Kaiden. He was not able to hold down his food and he was losing a lot of weight. We rushed him to the vet and I waited by the desk while my step-dad was back with the veterinarian for over two hours. When he came out crying with Kaiden, I knew it was not good. Kaiden had cancer. The vet said it was too late to do anything and that it took up 3/4 of his stomach.

At 2:00 PM on February 11, 2009, Kaiden was put down. If we had kept him alive any longer, he would have had to suffer and die slowly. I was the only person in the family in the room where he was laid to rest. My step-dad could not mentally do it and my mom was at work. I held my dog while he took his last breath. We had him cremated and he is now on our mantel with his collar around him.

I would give anything to have him back. Even after four years, it is still hard to comprehend that he is gone. If I think hard enough, I can still hear him bark.

Rest Easy Kaiden LeRoy.

Maybe One Day He Will Know My Name

A lot of people look up to family or even some best friends to value. I value someone who does not even know my name, and his name is Austin Robert Carlile. I have been through a lot of ups and downs in my life recently, often hitting rock bottom. One specific night after a heated argument with my parents, I remember feeling like I was not worth anything anymore. On top of the argument, my grand daddy had just passed away that morning. My best friend was on the phone with me to help me cope as much as she could and get through what I was going through. I told her how I was feeling and she told me to look up a band named Of Mice & Men. The first song I heard made the tears flow like a river down my cheeks. The song, named Second & Sebring was about Austin's mother passing away and how he hopes she is proud of who he has become. It reminded me of how my grand daddy had always told me to be who I am and to become who ever I want to become. Then I thought for a while. I realized that if he could make it through the death of his mother, under-go a heart surgery that could have killed him, and still make it to the man he is today, then I can survive, too.

After a few weeks of listening to this band and learning the deep and meaningful lyrics behind the songs, I wanted to hear more about Austin's experiences. When his mother died, he was only 17 years old and it was a really tough time for him to get through. Not long after, he was told he could not go on stage or record his new album because of his heart condition. He later got the heart surgery and as soon as they cleared him, he went into the studio and began recording. Although, the one story that impacts me the most was about a fan of his that died of cancer. In a tear-filled interview, he talks about her and how he wished he would have had the chance to meet her, and he began to cry. A couple weeks after she passed, he got a tattoo of her name on his knee to show his care and love for her. That made me realize that I do not want him to know my name by hearing about my death. I want him to know me by meeting me in person and hearing me thank him for being there for his fans after everything he has gone through in his life.

I value him for saving my life, even though he does no even know my first name.

The Most Interesting Thing I Did All Summer...... And Maybe Even My Whole Life.

I did do something exciting this summer, although I was on my laptop most of the time. One interesting thing I did was feed a White Bengal Tiger. Since my mom woke me up early and told me we were going to the Lorain Fair, I was really tired most of the day. I do not really like fairs or any public events so I was not very excited. We walked around all day in the heat, I was not allowed to ride anything, and  my feet were hurting. Although, just as we were leaving, I saw some big orange tarps and they had a photo of a White Bengal Tiger on them. After ten minutes of begging and arguing with my parents, they finally agreed to it. When we got in, I saw three baby tigers, a male adult tiger and a female adult tiger. The caretaker came up to me and handed me a pair of tongs that was holding a raw piece of meat. She led me up to the cage and the male tiger approached. His paws were the size of my head! The keeper instructed me to push the tongs between the bars on the cage. The tiger at it quickly and I saw his teeth, which were extremely long and sharp. It was one of the coolest experiences I have ever had, and it was even better considering the White Bengal Tiger is my second favorite animal. This is a memory I will keep with me for a long time!

♥ Not A Stereotypical Tiffany ♥

I am not a typical Tiffany.

Popularity
Should mean everything to me.
I should depend on my friends
More than I should depend
On myself.

I am my own world!
I am independent
And prefer to hide in my shell
Rather then depend on others
When life gets the better of me.

I am not a typical Tiffany.

Tiffany's are usually blonde,
So they are stupid,
Right?
That is what the stereotypes say
After all.

I am bright, intelligent, creative!
I can think for myself
And accomplish things
No one could ever imagine,
even though
I have stereotypical hair to match my stereotypical name.

I am not a typical Tiffany.

I am supposed to be
Captain of the cheer squad
Alongside my quarterback boyfriend,
And no girl
Is allowed to make
My heart melt in my chest.

I have terrible coordination
And I am way too shy.
Gender does not matter to me.
Male or female,
I do not date
Simply out of popularity.

I am not a typical Tiffany.

I am supposed to love
Being in front of the camera,
Always the center of attention.
I should always make sure
I look pretty and perfect.
Besides,
My name is Tiffany after all.

I am self-conscious,
Never liking the flashing lights.
I prefer being behind the scenes,
Because I hate
Being the scene.

I am not a typical Tiffany,
For I am
AN ORIGINAL!

"Write Your Own Book"

      My number one rule in which I live by is "Write your own book".  What I mean by this is that is this is their life , not someone else's. People should live their own life and not let anyone change or make who they are. We should not be focused on trying to fit on or labeling people. We should just all be ourselves and live our own life the way we want to. I started to live by this because I see how society is changing people into thinking that if they are not the same as everyone else, than it is wrong. I did not want to be someone who let society get to me, so I became the person I wanted to be and I could not be happier. I think if everyone lived by this, we might all get along and nobody  would have to be afraid to stand out and be who they are are happy to be.